5w 2-5d

So as my FTM pregnancy news unveiled, I learned a secret from my sister… She’s four days behind me! WHAT?! Stuff like this only happens in dramatic television series. I am so excited and filled with joy. My best friend is ten weeks ahead of me, and my sister is due like in the same week. I am pumped.

Something I am less pumped about is the concern for my weight. My BMI puts me into “obese” category and I am only  supposed to gain maybe 15 pounds, which sounds ridiculous. But I’m afraid if I put on, say, 40 LBs I’m going to be the fattest preggo pop that you (or I) have ever seen. When I feel hungry am I supposed to eat? How about at night? I have no morning sickness which almost makes me want to have it just so I am sure to not gain, gain, gain. To be clear: I am not worried about what I will look like, I want my baby to be healthy. I have read in multiple places that a high BMI puts baby at risk for being overweight. Great. If I already don’t have enough stress…

In other news, I am moving next week. We are moving in with family to save. My family has been stressing that we should take a year to ourselves to save for a healthy down payment. This is really the support that I never had from them (which is more than I can say for DB) and we are really thankful. We don’t NEED it. We don’t WANT it. I can’t stress that enough. If only his family would just realize what a supporting family is supposed to look/act/be like…

Oh P.S. ~ His family doesn’t want us to share our “news” (not good news, just “news”) with the family until his sister’s baby is born in SIX weeks as to not steal her lime light. What a fucking joke, right? Talk about being insecure! The thought of the way they have been treating us seriously makes me want to vomit. Probably due to the pregnancy hormones but still. Puke.

All for now. I have 4 pregnancy APPS to check on and 3 pregnancy books to read up on. Sorry for the Rants/Raves but I am filled with this over-whelming sense of WTF. I need to have a release, and my release is my blog. Feel free to chime in. <3

Oh how I can not wait for this wonderful little baby to be here with us. I love you, squirmy little wormy!

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Ice Breakers

Today I want to highlight the parent’s reaction when I told them last night that we are pregnant.

His Dad:

We told him first. It was the two of us, and him on his recliner, and we were casually watching TV. DH (more like DB… we are not yet married) and I exchanged glances with each other and he finally focused for a minute before he let it out. He said, “Well we have some good news for you, *****’s pregnant”. His father sat there, stunned. First he denied it, “No shes not!” and we shook our heads yes. He continued to play is Farmville for a while and then said how he (contradictorily) felt about it. We aren’t married, it’s not okay that we sleep in the same bed, are you going to get married in a courthouse? (NO!!!!), if you were married I would be happier, you can live here, I don’t want you to live here if you aren’t married, will baby have our family’s last name?

It could have been better, but he hugged us at the end and was very calm.

His Mom:

Boy, phew! She was the tough one. First, she came home from work about a half hour after telling his dad. I was in the bathroom with the door open. She came in and yelled at DB for letting me park in her spot… Which by the way, we live in an apartment complex and nobody has a “spot”. She says, “I left that spot for YOU. If you don’t want it, give it back”. Oh, today is going to go by g-r-e-a-t! So we convince her to meet us for dinner at Applebee’s and she will not even look at me AT ALL during dinner. Mind you, this is before she knew. After we payed the tab, DB casually says, “Well the real reason that we went out tonight is because **** is pregnant”. She put her hands in her head for a few seconds, stood up, grabbed her jacket and says, “I can’t believe you. I can’t be here. I need to go” and walked out. Now mind you, DB is turning 27 years old this Saturday. That was the last time we spoke with her. Whatever.

My Parents:

They were easy. We stopped by after dinner and watched American Idol together for a bit on their new couches. My brother sat out on the deck with his friends because the weather last night was beautiful. After maybe an hour of talking about us moving, us having a realator, us getting our shit together.. I said, “well there is a factor that you guys don’t know yet.. I’m pregnant!” My mom was so excited and gave me a hug, my dad just smiled a bit. The conversation continued in happy tones and my mom gave me her pearl ring right off of her finger. My dad said congratulations and suggested that we move in with grandma for a year to really save for a good down payment somewhere. My parents took it very well. DB shook my father’s hand and he said congrats. We left in high spirits.

Everything happens for a reason.

Boobs

I have a bone to pick with Target. Yesterday my other pregnant friend and I were casually thinking about our showers and looking at the baby merchandise and shopping for a good 45 minutes. We decided to take a break in the patio section for a few minutes to relax. After a little bit on the patio chairs, a man from Target walked up and asked us if we needed help. We nicely said no, and then he followed with, “Okay well ladies our management doesn’t like it when people hang out back here so if you want to sit and chat I would suggest you try some other place, like the Starbuck’s across the street”. Well I’ll be damned! If he only knew! I will not be registering at Target. I should write a letter.

In other news:

While shopping yesterday, I came to the realization that my boobs are going to probably grow in the next few months larger than my thighs. And honey, I have great, big thighs. I’m already a 40D and I’m only 4w/4d. What happens to us? My friend is 14w5d and she started at a 32A and has moved to a 32C. Lucky her… Please don’t tell me I’m going to be an E. I will cry harder than an un-ripened avocado.

Avocado

Speaking of avocado’s and healthy foods alike, because we haven’t told the families yet (with the exception of my TTC sister) it has become increasingly hard to buy new groceries that don’t scream “I’m PREGNANT!!” We live with his family right now and I usually don’t do the shopping (It’s like I’m not allowed to, or it’s looked down upon.. Don’t ask). I want to go but these pregnancy superfoods I keep hearing about and I can’t do so without anyone noticing. And as for morning sickness… I hope it can hold off until Saturday which is when we plan to share the news.

 

His birthday is Saturday and he wants a bluetooth. I want to get him a bluetooth but also something baby related to share this special time. Are there any ideas? I don’t want to do any of the lame stuff that Google suggests; baby booties, clothes, balloons, a card signed from baby, etc. That all seems so cliché and so not like us. Maybe I’ll think of something, but I only have three days to do it. Oh lordy.

 

So far I have been referring to our baby as “the squirmy little thing”. Haven’t said he or she yet. Not on purpose, I just haven’t. First ultrasound is a week from today and DH can’t make it because he’ll be at work. I am not happy about this but my preggo friend is going to record the ultrasound and we’re going to show it to him. That will just have to do.

 

Carpe Diem!

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Dark Lines

It’s officially been 72 hours since I discovered that I was growing a baby. I am squirming with questions, fear, happiness, and hunger. We talked and committed to not telling everyone in case (God forbid!!) this child does not continue to grow. I don’t want the disappointment of having to go back to each and every person and explain what happened, if something does. Well, that plan hasn’t worked out so well because we’ve already told three couples and a single friend of ours. To our defense, we only told those that are currently pregnant or had small children of their own for some support. We haven’t told anyone in either family because I want to get my first doctors appointment, which is possibly today if they would just pick up the damn phone.

I’m feeling okay. Symptom wise, I’m neither here nor there. The wonderful internet has blessed me with a “Projected Due Date!!”… Yeah, I call bullshit, but hey it’s something to really help letting this all sink in. I generally feel like I’m coming down with the flu. Is this what pregnancy feels like? I guess. I have that uneasy feeling in my stomach, a little dizziness, and I’m hungry up until I SEE food and then I don’t want it anymore. I pee more than usual. The very first sign you ask? It was this burning type cluster headache that could not be relieved in any way. It was between my eyes kind of, on my forehead. It started the very day my period was missed (Wednesday, February 29). I waited two days to test because 1. I was in denial ~ and 2. I didn’t want to make the trip to the store. I went to the dollar store. Yeah I know, they’re not as accurate blah blah blah. But my pregnant friend saw me freaking out with all of these first-time questions and lent me her What To Expect book. It confirmed in there that the tests are only testing for HCG levels… The more you pay, the more sensitive the test. Either way, you’re still pregnant… It’s just a matter of time before the test can sense the HCG.

Plus, what some women paid for one test, I could have gotten twelve of them.

So I bought three for $3. Being the anxious person I am, I have taken one on Friday, Saturday, and Monday (this morning). Consecutively they have all darkened. The test is the only real way that proves that there’s currently a little Me & He down inside there, so I stare at them sometimes all friggen’ day.

I’m watching my diet very closely and will probably have some more news by next blog post. Don’t let me forget to write about everything. I don’t want to forget a minute of this amazing experience that we call Pregnancy.

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In The Oven

Pt. 1: The News

As it turns out, I’m expecting. And I’m probably 4.5 weeks along. Because of the time frame, I’m assuming that Valentines day did us in. We are bursting with emotions.

I told him over a 16 oz. steak and a beer on Friday night. It was the worst possible weekend for me to find out, but I knew I couldn’t sleep next to him for a few nights and NOT tell him. His family from out-of-town is staying with us this weekend, he worked 65 hours this week, Saturday we had plans to hangout with my father, and Sunday I have to go to his PITA of a sister’s baby shower.

Me: How much do you love me?

Him: Why… What’s the matter?

I shrug

Him: You’re pregnant..

Me: Yes.. Yes I am..

My hands clapped together and I put them to my face. My face welled up with heat, fear, and joy. I couldn’t wait for his reaction and I couldn’t stand it. He sat there, silently, without displeasure. He was smiling and also kind of looked like I just hit him with my car. All of the things I planned to tell him were out the window. I can’t even remember what they were now, and two days have passed. I went to him and hugged him and we talked for hours. Every minute we are alone together, we talk about it. I can’t tell you anything more because no decisions have been set in stone.

Pt. 2: The Irony

I have this App on my way-too-smart phone that tracks my cycles. It’s a woman thing, so don’t be offended. Plus it’s amazing. Shut up.

Anyway, the dates were messed up and I wrote an email to the App Developer telling him that his App was funking up and that the dates were wrong.

I said, “The app thinks there’s 29 days in February this month and its screwing up my entire projected dates. Please fix.”

To which he replied, “It is leap year for 2012, so February does have 29 days.  So, this is not an error, just the weirdness that the earth orbit is ~365.24 days. Cheers.”

To my surprise I said, “Oh. Crap.”

I rolled the idea around in my head and decided to forget about it it’s all I could freakin’ think about. I spent all night tossing and  turning and finally went to the dollar store where my life would be changed forever.

 

 

I have so many things going on in my head that I can’t even write-up a half decent blog. Sorry for the sporadic and non-clever babble. If you have any words of advice I could really use it. Especially anything involving calming my nerves.

Bun

A fun fact about yoga: it’s freakin’ hard. And when I say hard, I mean oh my God, I have muscles there? I was surprised to learn that people do yoga to relax. Okay so I’ve only done it twice this week and I’m actually not that bad but holy-hell I have a long way to go!

How I feel I look when I do yoga:

Image

What I most likely resemble:

Image

In other news…

I have had some pretty deep thoughts lately about life and morality lately. To my demise, I have forgotten all of it. I am a Polish and A.D.D. female who can’t focus for more than… Hey look, a rainbow! Which leads me to the conclusion that I need to start texting myself some bullet points of my philosophical mess of a brain (the joys of technology) to greater assist in my blog writing. Another thing on the To Do list. Great.

Being a college student, I received an email that reminded me that my priority registration starts in five days. FIVE! I’m only five weeks into this semester. Well, the love of my life has been asking me to move to a new location with him (sigh) and that would probably require that I enroll in online education and start working full time. Which I am okay with. I just have a decision to make and not whole lot of time to do it.

Short story long, I have had a LOT on my mind lately but I seem to be making progress. I mean, I can’t even express all of the things that I have had to deal with. Believe me, you wouldn’t care to know, either. Maybe if something real comes along I will share it with you, the only person who has fallen upon this blog in probably four days. Lucky. You.

 

 

 

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Am I Wise?

I don’t have a complete thought formed in my head about this topic but while I’m sitting here at the computer I might as well jot it down.

Let me first say that the older, matured version of myself looks something like this:

 

 

I don’t know what it is about older people and why they look back at my age as being so much more juvenile than it really is. I mean I can’t tell you how many people have told me that I’m “wise beyond my years”. I feel mature, but not old… I definitely may seem that everything upstairs is turning but there are times when I am more lost than a TomTom in a basement. I can carry myself through a tough time, don’t get me wrong. I am socially at the age of forty. When I go to gatherings (which is seldom) of college aged people, I tend to stand off to the side with arms-crossed and eyes for people watching; I laugh to myself a good portion of the time regarding the actions of those I regretfully chosen to surround myself with.

My question still stands though. What is it about older people who tell me that I am beyond my years? Socially, I’ll give them that. In the workplace I instantly make friends of those who have children my age (I’m in my early twenties). Do these older people compare me to themselves when they were my age? Do they not know many twenty somethings to make an accurate comparison? Am I really as they say I am?

I take their words as a compliment as I am one to respect those who give advice. To me, advice is either a display of love or an act of discount. For example, there’s either the:

1) I heard that using a NetiPot works terrific on sinus pressure. Your cold sounds terrible. Get some rest.

Or

2) Where is your jacket little lady? You are going to catch a cold out here! Do you own a jacket? Why didn’t you wear it?

And believe you me, I can pick a sarcastic derision out of a large crowd without hesitation. I would take a Wise Beyond Years as compliment #1, theI love you and want to see you do well. The basis of this compliment goes with question though as I am not sure as to what about me is being referred. To save the trouble next time, I should just ask. What do you think?

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List

It is one of those weeks where everything I have to do is everything I hate. Laundry, school work, get the sticker for my license. (Okay, I was supposed to do that six months ago.) I don’t know why procrastination is looked so down upon, I mean really… Push something off till later, it’s not killing anybody. And it makes me feel good – gives me time to relax or do something that lifts my mood instead of makes me crabby. So what I end up having to have a busy day at the end of the week completing all of these tasks. I’d rather do all of the things that need to be done in one day than spread them out a little but each day. What a waste of energy.

I will refrain from saying anything more.

My dad’s birthday dinner is in two hours and I have nothing to bring him for his birthday. I feel really crappy. I have maybe four singles in my jacket pocket over there and there’s no respectable birthday gift that can be purchased with $4. The credit cards are maxed (and locked probably by this point) and I literally have no options left. I feel like a terrible daughter. In some ways I am. I don’t want to talk about this anymore either.

That’s going to be all for now. Ugh.

Noon

I always hear my inner voice  telling me that what I’m feeling is weak. Like finally once I get right down to it – finally when I organize my feelings – I feel weak. Why is that? I grew up as a child idolizing my father and my father constantly nit-picked my mother when she expressed her feelings. Granted she was very dramatic and as the child of a lavish Italian woman she does live for attention… But this self-taught behavior seems to have no basis. I mean, if I am happy about feeling whole or empowered, I shoot it down. “You don’t want to be one of those freaks running around acting like that” I tell myself. Which is partially true, I mean, people who run around trying to rub their emotions off on other people absolutely annoy me.

I don’t know. I am confused.

I was quite sad to see that not a single person had viewed this blog. I mean I know that I cancelled my Facebook and I know I wanted to create a personal, nameless blog. If my blog was set to 100% private I feel like I would be talking to a brick wall and what fun is that? I think that once I found out that users post comments underneath each others blog that gave me motivation to come back and check.

Today I checked. Nobody came!

On a lighter note I received a phone call from my childhood friend this morning and suggested that we meet to go bowling in an hour or so. I’m up for it even though I’ve had a cold all week. The hesitation lies on whether she actually will show up because she is flakier than a Greek pastry. I hope she does.

I think from sitting and surfing the web all night last night I somehow bruised my tailbone and I woke up thinking YIKES! That does NOT feel good! So hopefully as the day goes on it goes away! Ha!

Adios for now…

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Alpha

The time is now for commitment and change. I have recently found that my best work is not polished, but a list of bullet points scratched into loose leaf. Lacking the eidetic skills that I have always dreamed of, I have decided to create a thing of learned lessons and confessions. Without history there is no future, and without memory there is no change. Don’t waste your time Googling from whom’s intellectual property that last bit of advice was birthed because you will have already missed the boat — my name at this time will remain For Me To Know…

The recent necessary evil of communicating with my enemy has reminded me of a dusty lesson I shamefully had forgotten. I am nothing without my intellect and the ability to voice the opinion of said courageous thing. Through all of their blame, criticism, one-ups… They have accredited personal victory before our quarrel and for that I call them closed-minded and ignorant. Most people do not change willingly and that is a shame. My mother recently suggested to offer this advice to the enemy : ‘there is nothing that a complete change of character won’t fix’. Well, I didn’t allow the tiff to drop that low but had I, I don’t believe that it would have been noted as truth anyway. Like I said, victory is a chosen right even if it is wrong. I was pre judged and misunderstood and will continue to be for the remainder of my being. Oh well, the antagonist’s wasted energy has created no burden for me and for that I am proud of myself.

Should I mention that following this quarrel I had the worst night of sleep in my life? No. I should move on. Lesson learned, recorded, and the competition’s son still comes home to me each and every day. +1 For Me To Know.

Another topic that I have been tripping over each morning is whether to record recent dreams or leave them in the crevices of my REM cycle. I have dreams that make Avatar look like child’s play and they feel significant. But a use for these records? I can not seem to find any. Scientific advances in this area of study has only recently began and evidence of proven significance is lacking. Maybe in the future I will find myself crusty eyed and sluggishly typing away about some rainbow balloon swirling  through the sky, but not today. I guess time will only tell.

Lastly, I thought I’d mention something a personally ranked dignitary once shared with me a while back. He said something along the lines of ‘I have no right to know what others think of me’. It has been the sobering food for thought much as McDonald’s has helped me cure my occasional hangover. The thanks I then gave then can not compare to what I owe for this bit of advice now.

Who needs Facebook? I’ve been 24 hours without it and already have accomplished more within myself than I have in the past four months. :)